Printed out the manuscript

Was at Karen's yesterday and printed out the entire manuscript that I have so far. It's pretty thick. 77 pages on Open Office. Karen's sick, so am I... sat home and did nothing at all today. I feel like death. I hate calling in sick to this job, because I KNOW it's causing them a true hardship but fuck. I can't do that job when sick. IT's too intense. I come away from it hurting as it is. Karen brought me some hot food from New Seasons today. Poor thing is totally whacked, sick as a dog with coughing. I'm not coughing, but was sneezing and my joints ache like mad. Trying to get back on track with PSU: by the way, they use QUARTERS, and Winter Quarter starts soon. I hope to get that scholarship. I'm tired. And I hate my job so much I really want to give up.

Portland

So much has happened since I moved to Portland. I do not regret the move at all but I do regret that I took this job instead of going for Warner Pacific. This job is killing me. My back aches, my feet hurt, my mind is going insane. I have four nine hour days and a half day on Friday, and the job is extremely labor intensive and there really is no comfortable place to take a nice break from it. Lunch is hectic but at least there is a production meeting after lunch so I get a little over thirty minutes to sit down and rest and eat. My partner and I have been getting along so well and I just fall deeper in love with her, and with Portland. I just have to find a better, less hurtful job. I'm working way too hard for minimum wage, which is at least a dollar more here than Arizona but they take out way more taxes too. I'm not really making enough to live on and save money up so... I'll be on a strict budget for a while. Hard, because there is so much good food here. *sigh* I'm also in need of my benefits : I have a surgery consult set up for the 28th. I'm not at work today for a few reasons: yesterday I crashed after breakfast and stayed in bed all day, not sure what happened. It might be anything, and partly it might be mental because my adoptive father died this weekend. Just a few hours short of Sept. 11, so that day will mean more than the usual sadness now. Karen bought me tickets to see Devo next weekend. I'm pretty stoked about it and hope they are not lame now that they are older. I hope it's fun. I haven't really had a lot of fun lately, due to always being so tired and my back hurting like it does. I don't tell K about how severe the pain is but it is pretty bad. I have been fighting the urge to lay down in front of traffic, telilng myself to take it one day at a time, this job isn't forever.

One more day

It's Thursday, June 2. Tomorrow morning at 5:20 I board a shuttle van that will take me to the Phoenix airport so I can get to Portland, Oregon where my sweetheart will be waiting. I'm just so in love, that nothing else really matters that much. She's so amazing, and so intense, I never thought I would find anyone like her.
I wish I was a bit younger, I do. But there's nothing I can do about that. I wish I had a better job and straighter teeth but she loves me the way I am, and so intensely that I can't stress it enough, I seem to have found my match. When we are away from one another I feel like my soul has been cut out and shrink-wrapped and put on a shelf.
I can't wait to see her. It's been a very long and boring three weeks since school let out, and I've not worked a lick, just sat around killing time trying not to spend money. And now I get to go Oregon, and see the most beautiful state and the most amazing and sexy woman, my butch boi, so strong and so sad, she is kind of sad, and I want to love her up.

well it had to happen.

Yeah, she texted me tonight saying she was drinking beer. Now, I don't own her, by any stretch of the imagination, and she's been hinting that she might drink one day, I just didn't know it would be today.
My only worry about her drinking is that she had told me she wanted to stop entirely, forever. She went to AA even. But of course, the week was long and the work was hard and of course there is me the g/f wanting to know how she is every five minutes (well, I guess that is ok most of the time, but not when she's so busy... I mean, sometimes it's her who is needy, sometimes it is me. but we're always up each others' ass, except once in a while, I guess it gets to be too intense for her, despite her saying it is not.)
I am getting to know her well enough to know that when she sleeps not enough, she gets a bit unstable. And I knew all this, and I plunged in anyway, and today when she texted me that she was drinking, I did not react well, but instead,
sort of freaked a bit. I cried, I cajoled with her to call me, not to ignore me, and when she did call, she was defensive,
and saying things like "I don't want to feel guilty", and
"It's non of your concern", and...
things like that, hurtful things, to where I said (*why do I try to talk to people when they are drinking?*) "Who are you talking to here? Do you know who you are talking to? It's me!"
Dumb. I reacted badly. I made her feel shitty. I hate myself for it. I need to go to Al-Anon for a while I guess.
I've written her a couple of e-mails apologizing (I do not own her, it's really NOT my business.) and I hope I hear back from her tonight, drunk or not. I worry because she has admitted to driving drunk in the near past; I'd fucking die if anything happened to her this close to my moving out there.
but she also said "You are moving to Portland to be with me, you have to find out I'm not perfect".
Ok, sounds like she is making sure I know she's not going to give up drinking, and that is something I have to deal with. She's put her foot down and made sure I know she will pick drinking over me sometimes. I get the message loud and clear and I have to decide how much I am wiling to take...
it's all relative. AS long as we communicate, as long as we keep talking.

That which burns but does not kill

I'm immersed, engulfed in a conflagration of the heartfires. I wish I could blog about it but I have spent the better part of the day writing back and forth with my love, each trying to so hard to describe our feelings for one another. It has been three solid months of constant craving;
I have been to her house twice now, as hard as that is for me to believe because our time together has been so short each time.
But I think it 'taking it slow' ...sort of. I mean, two days here and two days there, and in June, ten days together,
and then eventually hopefully I'll live in Portland and we'll see each other more often. I don't want to lose my autonomy, but I don't want to live in a different state either. I need to be closer to this woman. She holds my heart in her hands.
As for my mom: I feel the need to be mean to her. I need to get away so i can have sympathy. I want to slam the door in her face and kick her down the stairs. I hate myself for it but she asked for this life, and I leave her to it.

The hotter they are, the bigger they fall

GAWD DAMN IT. I want out of here. It's so windy and dry. And difficult. It seems when the wind blows for days on end that everything gets so hard. You can't just go do something. The wind tries to take everything out of your hand and slams doors in your face and on your legs and slams trunks shut and blows grit in your face and you can't open your car window for fear of a dirt devil blowing in (those are the worst: little dirty cyclones whirling around your car blowing cinders into your face while driving)... everything is dirty and gritty and my skin is so dry and itchy and my hair is gritty and walking to class , although so pretty and such a nice walk for the view, is a BITCH! Walking against the wind with a heavy pack.
I hate it. I have always hated it here and must abandon it for my own sake.
K... omg. She moves me to far ends of the universe. What can I say, I haven't the words to tell about her. Suffice to say all my words are used up on her. We are reading LOLITA to each other over the phone sometimes at night.
I am going back to see her in 9 days. I am so hot for her all the time that it takes masterful effort not to lose focus.
The good news is it is mutual. The great news is, we are both alike in many ways that make it possible to believe in one another. I believe this is 'the one' for all time, and if she is not, I am not going to try again. This has been more intense than any other relationship I've had in my life and it is only two and a half months old. Communication is stellar and sex is beyond hot and the love is quite deep and there is no pretense .

Portland State University

I fell in love with Portland when I visited. The PSU campus is downtown on the "Park Blocks"... light rail is free downtown and there is a sustainable cafe in the basement of the student union.
I've applied to PSU for FALL term, and hope to get a dorm. I'm addicted, hopelessly, to Ruck, and Ruck to me, and I don't want to ruin it by moving in with her, so I'm going to just try to get a dorm and work just enough to pay bills. I hope this works out. I'm not happy in Flagstaff at ALL; and I want Ruck in my life, in my nights whenever possible.
We get along so well... communication is amazing. And the best thing is we're both feeling it just as intensely: it's amazing.
Finals coming up. Australian relatives are here and hanging out with mom in Sedona today, I have to work tonight... might have been able to get the time off to hang with them but; I took too much time off to go to Portland.
I know, I'm a sucky person sometimes, but I can no more not go see Ruck than fly to the moon.
I'm going back in two weeks for two days and back again in June for 10 days.