ODAAT

One day at a time. ODAAT.
One minute at a time, sometimes. Today, I woke up with cramps. Last night my knee locked up and I was in agony and trying hard to stifle my moans of pain lest I wake my sister. After sweating it out ...literally... I finally got to sleep. I prayed laying down instead of on my knees, as you can imagine.
This morning, woke up at ten, called Jane, made plans to go over there. Sister was surly when I left and mad as a hornet when I got home. Mad because I went to Jane's instead of going with her to the grocery store. I'd been home all morning before Jane's and in fact when I left sister was sitting on the couch stuffing her face and watching TV and reading the paper. Did not look like she was going to hop up and change out of her mumu and into clothes any time soon... and besides, who wants to stick around waiting for someone else to be ready to do something?
We were AT the grocery store last night, but she was too tired. I mean, we were there. She was too tired to shop for food. But she was in the video store for over half an hour... not too tired for that.
I am guessing videos were more important than food, so...
Went to Jane's. She asked me what was going on and I started to cry.. .we eventually watched the movie (the Bucket List).
Jane's grandsons came over to bring back her grill and they put it in the back yard. One of her grandsons had cancer on his ankle... a tumor... his leg shows many scars and is thinner than the other but he is a very happy bright boy ; red headed and smiling while he helped his Nana.
Jane seemed to relish the thought of grilling now that her grill is back. She has a whole big backyard that is turned to jungle vines. Her back patio shows no signs of use in years. Just a wrought iron table and chairs that look very bare and lonely.
Jane offered her downstairs for me to hang out in sometime, she keeps offering. I assume she means for a night or two... Liz thinks it would be cool if we were roommates. I don't know about that.
I mean, I'd like it, but would Jane? she seems to like her privacy. I dunno.
I do know that something has got to give, my sister is toxic and I don't need toxic in my life. She manages to twist my words and put words in my mouth... like when I said to her that brother and I have "MOVED PAST IT" (referring to mom) sis says that I said "FUCK OFF" and "GET OVER IT", which are very different things to say.
I did say I "didn't want to hear it" also, which is , too, a far cry from 'fuck off' and 'get over it'. Nothing we talk about anymore is civil, we head right into something stupid.
She wants me to give her my food stamp card so she can go buy 'the kind of food she wants'... (she's not even ON my card. ) She wants high-end food. I know she does. She wants my card. I will buy the shit for her but I won't let her have my card, it's illegal enough to let her eat MY FOOD from MY FOOD STAMPS, but if she's CAUGHT with my card, it's hell to pay.
She thinks I'm being silly, stupid, idiotic. She keeps getting very upset that I wont' give her the card and it's gotten to the point where we keep having the fight over and over. And when I'm not available to go grocery shopping on her schedule she gets really pissy.
She says she has to pay all this extra money for me living here. I said for WHAT? I gave her three hundred. Rent is five seventy five, and I paid one hundred for utilities.
Plus I buy food. That's about four hundred or so per month. That is a hefty share, I think. But she is short on money, and relying on me for food. But she won't get with me, communicate a time to go ... and it's all my fault because I won't give her the card.
*sigh*
I can't talk to her without a fight. If I try to discuss anything it gets ballistic. Liz has offered to mediate. I don't know how I would even get sister to agree to that.
I have to take a leap of faith that Higher Power wants me to succeed, this is a bump in the road, sister will either come around or she won't, no one wants me to be homeless, I will be able to get to work somehow if she takes the car back.
Probably I could just withdraw into my own shell and stake out my turf and keep paying her, she needs/wants that money... probably I could if I just refuse to engage with her. I just don't know about getting a two bedroom with her. Jane pointed out that I would have my own room... I could always stay in there, it's better than sleeping on someone's couch and riding a bike to work...
and yeah, it probably is.
I have more praying to do on this, a lot more.
What is my part in it? I have to keep my ever-lovin' mouth shut. You can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed person, period. And sister is QUEEN of malapropisms, mixed metaphors and completely wrong words, not to mention the putting words into my mouth. It's all I can do not to laugh when I'm trying to cut through her 'logic'. I don't want to hate her but I can feel it seeping in.
I never did like her, why would it suddenly blossom without her trying, at least attempting, to meet me halfway>
nothing is happening until she goes to Al-anon, or something. She has nothing/no one to confide in, no one to help her on her journey. She pushes everyone away.
She even spat at me for mentioning prayer.