Laying in the bed with B. (my ex) watching Heroes on my laptop, while it looked like this just outside:
It looked like this inside... my sweetie, and the pets, in bed, waiting for me;
I got into Netflix while I was with B, since she has no TV reception in her house. I first watched all of Six Feet Under, then got into Heroes. Then Dexter. Bren liked Heroes the best... we got really into it. I'd forgotten about it. It's that special kind of loneliness I'm feeling now.
In a few minutes I'll be reclaiming Heroes for myself, yet wondering if she's watching somewhere, perhaps at her new lover's house.
Tomorrow I get two dvds in the mail from Netflix: Dexter, season 2 discs one and two. Bren liked Dexter but she only came in on that series at the end of season one.
I was checking my Netflix queue and then thought to look at the list of things I'd watched previously, while in Alaska.
And I saw that we had been watching Cowboy Be-bop. Her son is really into Anime; they introduced me to Totoro. I bought Bren a CATBUS pin for her leather jacket. The jacket I gave her... truly, I wonder if she kept it.
She looked so good in it. Here she is at Fred Meyers:
We were both different people then. Just a year ago
Now, sober, meditative and humble, I would no more move in with her than fly to the moon on my own power.
doesn't mean I don't miss her like the devil.
Tonight, I brought home some chicken and some stuffing from work for my roommates. And I gave them the rest of the bag of rainbow Twizzlers. Ed came downstairs to thank me.
I'm hurting. I'm lonely. Like I've never been lonely before. All the ghosts of my former friends and lovers are haunting me tonight.
And now, Heroes is on. Perhaps I can be a Hero and forget the past.
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