How can I explain....

When there are few words I can choose... (thanks Erasure).
I don't know how to put it into words. I've been mulling it over all day trying to think of a turn of phrase that would describe how it is, how it was to see her.
For one thing it was as though we had grown old together, seeing her at this age did not seem weird to me at all.
All day I have grasped and groped for that one sentence or sentence fragment that might give a reader a clue as to how it is to see someone you loved so thoroughly, so all uncompromisingly, and to be wrapped in that feeling all over again, in its full intensity, as though we had never parted.
I can only liken it to traveling in a very hot car with the sun beating down upon you for years and suddenly the air conditioner starts working again for a bit. The cold arctic blast that refreshes and enlivens, the 'other' ...the newness of it, the awake of it.
And then the air slowly loses its chill and you find yourself back to the sweaty itchy humid air you had before. And all you can dream of is that cold air that , although it froze your skin and made you uncomfortable in its extreme frigid temperature, was so ... unexpected and delightful that even though you KNOW you could not stand it for long , you want it back.
You want it blowing on your face.
Yeah, it's like that. There is no middle ground, no off button, no slider that reduces the cold, mixes the air to make it comfy.
When I'm around her, it's ON, baby, ON... and I'm sitting there staring, staring at one part of her as though it were the thing I needed to memorize in order to gain the keys to the kingdom. Her lower teeth, her bra strap. Her hands. One glance frozen in time and etched onto the retinas for life. Or at least until I see her again.
And I cannot tell her this. She would not like to know that it is the same for me as when we parted: the only difference, now I know how to deal with it, live with it as though I lived with a super-power I can't tell anyone about. I do, and it's called real love, that does not diminish, and won't diminish.
When I carried her groceries into her house it was the most surreal sensation: at once the most natural thing in the world and the most unexpected and strange: like walking into a MacDonald's somewhere in Nepal or Tibet. And finding enlightenment in the french fry oil.
I"m making no sense because there is no sense to be made here. It is what it is, and it is irreversible, it's a foundation, a wall, a river, clouds. It's velvet and cactus: it's everything and it is nothing.
Why I was selected for this thing, this love, I don't know, but I was. It happened to me, and I am at once grateful for it and cursed. It is the quintessential YIN/YANG situation.
And I vow to always meet it with gratitude and acceptance.