Pitch and Roll

I'm playing Roxy Music's "Love is the Drug". I used to think that 'they' called love a drug because of its addictive properties, as are outlined in the song. But there's another reason: it courses through your bloodstream changing your ability to reason, your heart rate, your emotions: against your own will, no matter how solid that will might be under normal circumstances. "stitched up tight, can't shake free"...
And this stupid drug was injected into my ass entirely without my consent.
Someone slipped me a 'rufie'! I will admit I was having some feelings for D. before I went to Richmond, certainly I'd be an idiot not to consider having a relationship of some sort with someone I have so much in common with and whom I still find attractive. However I was not in the least prepared for my current state of 'illness'. I'm pregnant with uncertainty: witness the morning sickness. I'm diseased: riddled with bullet holes. And nothing is more upsetting than the hostile takeover tactics. I thought I was standing around feeling kind of sleepy and watching her hair move in the breeze but apparently I was having my brains sucked out and replaced by that alien jello mass we think of as love but is really some kind of fungus in our brain. I should have known it when, Saturday night, I was standing at the edge of the mosh pit (it's fun to stand there: your job is to push people back in the pit as they bounce off you. It's a way of being part of without getting your head cracked open) when she backed into me and sort of stood there. I don't even know if she knew who I was... she had to have. She kept getting pushed into me, and at one point I could smell her hair. I leaned into her hair and sniffed a long sniff, happy. But then...then she put her hand on my shoulder and rested it there. So familiar, so unforgettable. And then she was gone. And so was I.
now I wrestle with this. I want it gone. I hate it. I struggle against it, and I have no idea if it is mutual. Am I making it up? Can I stop it before it is too late? I'm angry now... I vacillate twixt pure hot anger and cold cold desire. When did it happen?
Over the whole weekend of course. Perhaps it was when she first smiled at me and hugged me. I want out of this. Now.