A triumph of the will

Well. I set my mind to get over D. It was great thinking something might happen, to feel... to dream. I was mistaken in thinking that having so very much in common with her precluded getting together. I don't know what I was thinking. So I set my mind to get over the whole thing. I told her I needed to get over it and she agreed. I had a hard couple of days over it, not eating, feeling very adrift after exposing my jugular. And she just keeps texting and calling like nothing ever happened. So I get on my laptop and surf the web while she talks. I know that if she asked I would do anything for her, and if she ever asked me back I'd probably go but meanwhile back at the ranch I'm still in the same lonely island I was before I went to see her.
Her life is to chaotic for me anyway: I KNOW it is a good thing we didn't hook up. She's scattered to the four winds and claims being a free spirit but you know, I like a tiny bit of order to my life, if only to be able to know where my next tank of gas is coming from. At my age, I could not live as she does. Although I was doing that at her age (42). So she has some time to catch up ...
I got my Pell grant today. My worries have faded. It was a weird hard week but the week is over and my life is back to normal. Really, if I'm going to be flying all over the USA looking for love I have to be totally ready for some disappointments, right? And I am willing to go looking. I'm in a good place, and lonely, and I've been single plenty long enough.
Trying to plan a trip to Alaska next summer. It's only about 780 bucks to fly into Seattle, stay two days, fly to Vancouver, stay two days, then fly to Anchorage. not bad! So D. has a friend she wants to visit in both those places. Then we'd go on to Anchorage, hang out there a day or so... and hopefully somehow get out to the homestead. Oh we might have to fly in to Cordova instead of Anchorage... if my dad can fly us on to McCarthy. I wonder what it would be like to spend a week on the homestead with Danielle. A week on the homestead with someone will make or break a relationship of any kind, it broke my last one. Hell just the drive was stressful.
Most people can't hack it. The outhouse, the skeeters, the digging potatoes, the carrying dead bison and moose to the plane... seeing dead bison or moose hanging in the tool shed. Chainsawing and driving the earth mover, carrying a rifle around, shooting ptarmigan out of the truck window for dinner. Standing in the creek with waders on counting salmon... it will test her for sure. If she is what she says she is she will love it. If she is full of it she will hate it. At any rate i would hope she falls in love with it as I have done: everyone should get a chance to fall in love with the Alaskan bush. I suppose if she hates it we can pack it in and take off for Anchorage and stay with Misty for the remainder of the trip...