The howl within

Yes, I have been silently howling. The pain is great: I miss her. It has been a hard hard week-end, and I am officially joining the ranks of the zombie. However, I haven't the strength to shuffle about seeking braaaaaaiiiinnns. I suppose I shall starve.
I was riding a gargantuan high being around her every night; seeing her lifted me and transported me and all that happy crap. Saturday was surely the worst day I've had in a long time: Friday night I had no sleep whatsoever: due to her, my thinking of her, and agitating and cogitating over asking her to be my friend, anticipating missing her, all that claptrap.
Saturday morning I went in to work and I do not remember driving there which means I should have called in sick. But there is no one to come in for me. Except my boss, who doesn't answer his phone until ...whenever. So I went in, and tried to work. Oh hell, I did work. I worked hard for three hours. It was busy as all hell. I did a lot of work in those three hours. I broke three monkey dishes and I managed to gouge a hunk out of my hand (the dishmachine has sharp edges: all I was doing was reaching in to get some dishes out. )Then I rushed home and got ready just in time . I was not in a good space when she came to pick me up; but once we got to the theater and got everything ready and sat down it was all fine.
When I saw my sister she blew up at me, cussing me out in front of some of the backstage crew, which of course made me look around to make sure SHE wasn't in earshot: oh please, universe, don't let her see this horrible drama unfolding, this dysfunctional unfunness.
I went and immediately called my sponsor, the only thing for me to do when my sister does that kind of thing. It's highly dysfunctional in my opinion to say the F word in a sentence at top voice while yelling at your sibling in front of adults in a supposedly creative and fun setting. I talked to my sponsor for the better part of an hour. SHE was listening in. I wanted her to hear , I was glad she was listening. She heard how I talk to my sponsor, it was made clear I did not buy into that yelling and screaming and cussing in front of adults thing.
After the first show we had espresso and scones...she had made scones especially for the interval between shows. I had brought my espresso machine. We set up a table and had coffee and scones. It was heaven, although the whole time I was on edge from wishing it would last a while longer. I was hyper aware. I was hating myself for not just relaxing and soaking it in but I also knew it was too surreal and not going to last.
Some time during the last show I got up the nerve to ask her if she wanted to be friends outside the theater and she said yes, that we had already done the coffee thing, and I said we could hike, she said that would be great since her hubby doesn't like hiking. He doesn't like bugs. :)
So... I managed to ask her, she said yes. But ... she has a history of not responding to my emails and I don't expect her to actually go hiking with me...
Yesterday I managed to make it to the strike. We unloaded the truck, and I watched her; I showed off. I went to help a guy lift the chop saw; I asked him if the saw was stable on top of the chest it was sitting on or should we carry it separately. He said, separately, but that it was "Heavy as all get the hell out". I said, 'Define heavy...is it, a hundred and fifty pounds?' he said, "No..." and I lifted up my end and found it to weight about the same as a full bus tub at work. I said "Oh, you had me worried. This is not heavy in the least."
I carried every heavy thing I could get my (torn up) hands on. I made her laugh when I was unwrapping the breakables and tossing the newspaper over my shoulder in a fusillade. I was leaving, and looked at her and said "So we'll go hiking when I get back" and she said she would be gone for most of August. I said "after that then" and she said yeah but I don't see it happening.
I think she shined me on. I'm so frustrated and now I'm so sad: my heart is pining for her, and I'm actually crying. And it's just the stupidest situation I have gotten myself into in a long time. There is no help for it but to get on that plane tomorrow and weep all the way to Scotland. Although I'm sure I'll be done weeping by the time I get to Detroit.