Fuzzy Shirt

Good grief...
I was just checking my facebook, haven't done it in some time. There was this old comment from my ex from October of last year.
It just says FUZZY SHIRT.
I know that that was an in joke, I know we said it a LOT, but I can't remember what it was referring to.
I think it means the cat, or the dog... but I don't know.
Seeing her profile picture and that comment made me incredibly sad. I am sad now.
Her profile picture is her legs, stretched out in front of her, those long lovely legs clad in soft faded jeans, with her old soft faded cowboy boots; and you can see my dad's lake off the dock she's laying on.
I want to vomit, I'm so sad.



My dad's dock... on Long Lake, which is twenty miles south of McCarthy, Alaska. We laid there on the dock with Daisy (the dog)... until it got a bit late then we went into McCarthy.
I wish I could go back to that weekend... so much I wish I'd said.
********
Later...
After posting that earlier, I went to google to map out a route to a coffee house I want to go to. It lets you see the street view, which I thought was awesome... so I tried to see the street view of where I lived in Alaska with the above mentioned ex.
Dear lord, the street view that it shows is a photo from last October... Halloween to be exact. I know this because we had a cardboard cut-out of the 'Creature from the Black Lagoon' tacked to the wall of the house outside, AND in the google street view , my old car is still in the driveway.
man, talk about a stupid thing to do, googling that was not so very smart.
I'm also thinking how interesting it is that the state of Alaska came by our house on Halloween and took photos of the street last year. I didn't notice it. I was sober, too. What was I doing? It was a Wednesday, so I was getting ready for work. My ex was at work.
*****
So... in a very shitty funk from seeing those photos (OR shall we call it by its rightful name..."Peeling scabs") ... I sat at the computer (well, the computer sits on me, it's a laptop) and began to feel things I don't need to feel when I am alone... sadness and loneliness and all that crap. My sister came home spoiling for a fight (why do people live like that? LIFE IS SO SHORT! Love up on one another! Fuck this aggro shit!)
and I ran off to a meeting. There was a guy from Fairbanks at the meeting. I thought about my ex and I camping in Fairbanks. I want to stop thinking about her.
But I can't rush into the arms of someone else, much as I really, really would love it.
I would love it.
But it would end up sucky as always.
If this were a large city I could go find myself a one night stand, and that would be awesome. And no it would not make me feel worse, on the contrary, it would make me feel super. But, it's not a big city and sleeping with anyone in this podunk town would make them feel like we were married and we don't need that, do we.
I have no business even thinking about sex, but I'm human. And I miss my ex.
Meeting was good though. I was trying to listen and that was the best I could do.
Driving home was hard. I was wishing I was going home to someone. Someone other than my sister. I was wishing I had somewhere fun to go or at least somewhere non-combative.
*shit*
I have to go to vocational rehab in the morning. At nine. I wanted the first appointment to get the social worker when he's fresh.
We'll see what they have to offer. I'd like a desk job, please, working at data entry or something very mundane in the air conditioning so I have energy at the end of the day to go for a five mile hike instead of dropping onto the couch and staring at my laptop just wishing I was dead. My job wears me the fuck out, sir, please help me find something where I can sit down, in the air conditioning, and not wash dishes all day with my arms immersed in other people's food refuse and grease and coffee water.
Please, sir, help me find a job where I can have benifits again and some self-esteem and perhaps I can buy a dang Mustang to restore (my life's only goal I never gave up on) and have a place or at least a fucking room of my own.
Sir, I am a recovering alcoholic with two bad knees, bone spurs, severe tinnitus, missing teeth, and I've had too many concussions. I get lost easy and I am afraid to drive on highways in the dark.
Please, sir, can you help me?