Enlightenment

It's amazing how it takes what it takes to get clarity. I was in the meeting today and I shared: since I got sober this time, I haven't shared much because I can't marshal my thoughts as well as I'd like, and I leave stuff out, or mix it up so I just keep quiet and listen and learn...
But today I was moved to speak and what came out of my mouth was basically this:
"I have been in this place before, where I am sober and starting to turn it over to H.P. and letting go and letting God...(as I understand God)... I've been there and I've let something or someone stand between me and the place I was headed. I've let people, places and things become my H.P.
I've let self-will run riot and forgot about how bad it gets when I drink. This time I am turning it over, surrendering, and finding the good in every situation, maybe not right away but I do find it. Like working in a greasy spoon washing dishes: a few months ago I'd have turned my nose up at it but now I'm so very grateful for it because I'm surrounded by program people at work, everyone understands what it is to struggle to get and stay sober...
what a great place to work in your first few months of sobriety after a drunk like my last one. I am learning that self will is bad and willpower is good. I am being so careful about not going off the path that I am going to let my sponsor check out any new people that come into my life. My new friend, Debrah, must pass muster. I'm learning the right way to stay sober."
And its' true what I shared today, I'm actually SEEING my part in things. It's not pretty , introspection .... especially when an alcoholic looks inside... there is a lot of ugly stuff .
And it's not going to purge in a day or a week or even a year.
I'm learning to ask HP for help. to pray for my enemies. To not have enemies... actually, I don't have any. I just have people who I don't get along with. I'd like to understand them but I can't so I pray for them.
Life is good if I let it be. You can't take it with you, so why worry about anything except this moment, this day. I have everything I need.
today was a good day in that I went the whole day feeling very very sad, lonely, waves of sadness washing over me, and yet I didn't drink or want to drink and now I'm fine, ready to go to sleep on this couch.
And tomorrow, I work. I work, one among many, a worker among workers. I have learned how selfish I used to be, still am... and I'm also amazed at how I used to need to draw attention to myself, all the time.
I used to share in meetings and always insert some interesting tidbit about myself, like mushing dogs or riding stallions bareback, to tell people how interesting I was... not really caring about what message I was sending, nor caring about what I was learning...
I don't do that anymore. I truly just share about what is pertinent to the topic nowadays. I'm a sick person trying to get well.