Tired

I'm so tired.
Sister and I fought. It doesn't matter what about. It really doesn't. It isn't about the content of the argument. It's about the style.
She raises her voice, stomps around, and won't let me get a word in edgewise so I raise my voice then remember not to and lower it. I try to make a point but can't. I try to explain something but it gets taken the wrong way.
I give up and that is taken the wrong way. I try to end the fight for the night and that won't work, she goes on with it. On and on.
She throws my things and slams the doors and the dog comes and tries to climb on me because the dog is afraid of her and not of me.
I am goaded into saying things I do not mean, or do not wish to say. I am irrational and upset and I want to leave but I have no where to go other than my sponsor's house ...
And my new friend Debra did offer a pull out couch. So now I have two places.
I need to talk to my brother about buying the truck ... I need to get out of here.
Probably have to start working Sundays now... found a possible place to rent up off of Jordan Lane.
(*SIGH*)
Jordan ... Why is Carol on my mind so much lately?
I thought about her a lot today. Oh well.
Anyhow... I emailed my sponsor about the fight. I know that I need to be out of this situation. My sister says I don't like her or Donnie. she could be right. I want to try to like them. I can't like them if we fight and fight fight.
I can't stay sober in this place. No matter what I say it's taken wrong. I keep getting coaxed into these knock down drag out fights.
It can't go on much longer.
Supposed to go canoeing Sunday... tomorrow after work I may meet Debra at the pool and discuss canoeing.
We went to the Athiest Meetup tonight to watch "The Mist" (Stephen King story adapted for film)... I'd seen it, but it was a long time ago. It's pretty sad.
Same old story... I've seen a billion movies.. but was always drunk so I don't remember that I saw them.
Until I see them again.
I feel like shit right now. I am mean to her, my sister, but I don't want to be. I just want to stay sober. It is all I want. Stay sober.
NOTHING else can happen if I don't stay sober.
Why was I thinking about Carol? Because they are all the same. All the women I loved and then drank over when they dumped me... they all turn into a conglomerate. Carol, Bren, they are all the same. Diane, Terese, Theresa... all the same.
All one big club of people I hurt and used and ended up missing. Although, I miss Carol after nearly twenty years.
I still sometimes wonder what I would do if she asked me to come back.
Which is childish. cuz it will never happen, and I'd be duty bound to say no anyway... it would never work. At least now I know that.
Talked to my sponsor about contacting Brenda about hiking. I think it would be nice to go hiking with Brenda, talk about program stuff, and she might be able to introduce me to some other sober dykes.. let's hope.
All I can think about is the pool tomorrow. The pool, meditation, meeting.