Keep on Truckin'

I guess I didn't get the job at the jail. She had said they'd let the successful candidate know by the end of the day or week (can't remember which ) but since both have passed I guess I was not the one.
Today at work was harsh, and I feel like a true warrior having made it through. I didn't feel so bad when I got up at six. I took some Tylenol for my cramps and had a nice bowel movement which made it feel right to go back to sleep for an hour.
I felt somewhat human as I drove to work, and the traffic was light (it's Saturday). But when I got to work it was so hot in that kitchen: our boss turns the A/C off completely at night and the freezer as well as the ice machine vent hot air in there all night so...
when I got there it was well over ninety degrees in there. Which made me feel nauseous and dizzy and I began to feel very bad.
My cramps began to come at me with a force and soon I found myself unable to do anything but get through one moment at a time, imagining myself the strongest, the bravest, and I did get through it.
The cook offered me a nice plate of Eggs Benedict (a mistake he'd made) and I tried to eat it but only got a couple of bites down before I realized it was not going to happen, so I trashed it.
At some point I could not take another moment in that kitchen and set across the parking lot to the Chevron for some Red Bull.
I think it was probably as much psychological as it was physical but the damn can of Red Bull made me feel better.
Chugging that can made me feel reconnected to the earth. I'd taken vitamins and some Robotussin earlier. Anyhow...
I got one for the cook too and I think it was the only way we made it through. He was bitching and talking of walking out. He had around twelve tickets at a time and no help.. our boss was supposed to show up this morning to help him but he didn't.
I wasn't much help, as it was all I could do to keep the bus tubs from overflowing, and one did and a plate got broken.
There was not a moment when the bus tubs were not full to the top and the cook kept nearly running out of plates.
There were four servers on today. We were having people wait for a seat all day. The cook was cussing NOT under his breath and nearly throwing things. I kept my mouth shut, my head down, and only once sat down with some ice in a towel on my face to ease my sinuses. I was civil to all and did my job to the best of my abilities given the fact I was sick to my stomach and dizzy and wanted to curl up in a ball and it felt like there was a horse standing on my stomach.. the cramps didn't go away until about one pm.
Made it through, then walked my sister's dogs and as I was driving home decided it was a good day to quit smoking altogether. It's four now and I have to shower and see if I can make it to the meeting... I feel wiped out as all hell.
Tomorrow supposed to go to my brother's to help him move all that crap, and you bet I don't want to. If it rains I'm off the hook... praying for rain of course.
Been having dreams about Carol, and wishing I wasn't. In the dreams she is always torn between me and someone else and always goes with someone else and I wake up crying.
Will I ever be free of the thought of her, or is it going to be with me to the end, the thought of her in the background for the rest of my life?
My sister got me the phone number for the contact for a theater that is doing the Rocky Horror Show. I'm hoping to hear back from them, as I think it would be glorious to work backstage for that show, I'd meet some fun people, have a blast for a little while, get my mind off things, back into theater.
Plus I know the durn thing inside out and blindfolded and would be quite a good help I'm sure.
here's hoping I hear from them. I'll keep calling if I have to.
now to the shower and some relief from smelling like a grill.