Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9

I'm on step 9. I keep hearing that Beatle's song. Number 9...
 Make it stop.
I wrote my ex and said how truly sorry I was and asked what I could do to write the wrong, but I seriously doubt she ever opens the letter. I'm pretty sure it will go straight into the trash can in the kitchen, you know the one, the one with the lid that has the springs that keep popping out and you have to go looking for them under the washing machine...
 *sigh*
And I wrote T. in Pittsburgh. Lord, what a hard time I had there. Oh, I should not have gone there. NO, it was not a good time for me.
 All the places I have gone looking for love, and finding instead nothing but fear and loathing.
Anyhow... I got my new Razor phone programmed, it's nice to have a real phone.
 Work was ok... I guess. I wasnt really there... just floating around trying to get through it. Steve was ready to walk, and I can't blame him, and I'm wondering how long he can last now that he's got his mind set on leaving.
 Two of the servers are getting jobs at the Arsenal; for fifteen bucks an hour, and they did it through Voc Rehab, which makes me really sore that Voc Rehab has not gotten back to me in weeks now.
 I am going to have to go down there on Monday and ask for a different counselor.
No word from the jail, no word from the theater, no word from voc reh... I'm just in a holding pattern.
 Getting on with step 9 is freeing me up, made my amends to my brother Thursday and my sister last night.
Sister and I are supposed to go see a movie tomorrow... I have no idea what, I left it up to her.
I got a letter from the Alaska Dept. of Revenue, and I'm wondering if I will get a dividend check, I might... it would be nice. I dont know if I spent enough time in the fiscal  year there, but I may have qualified. It would sure help.
 I remembered today that my ex used to work with Sarah Palin in the Oil and Gas Conservation Commission in Anchorage... and I started missing being able to talk to her (my ex, not Sarah, lol)
 So I sent the letter, knowing I will never speak to her again, but never saying never, at the same time. I mean, Paula and I speak, and Tessler and I ...can at least e-mail one another.
 then again, neither of them have the issues my ex does.
Anyhooo.... I'm avoiding going to bed because I don't have to work tomorrow and I like staying up late surfing the web for every little tidbit of information on everything I wondered about all week.
 I've finally gotten to the point where if I could go back to my ex, I would definitely NOT. It's a good place to be in, with the twenty-twenty hindsight.
 I'm done believeing women when they say I LOVE YOU; I think it's hooey when they say it and I think I'll continue to believe that.
 I know I mean it when I say it, because when I say it, no matter what happens, I never stop loving, you know? To this day, if anyone I ever said I LOVE YOU to walked in, I'd still feel the same way, I never forget them, and I always miss them.
 Apparently not so with them.
I give up on that shit.  
 A friend bought me a membership to the Sierra Club today. how nice!!!!
and now I have to climb in bed and fantasize about B. for a while. I do that every night. If I ever get in a closed space with her it's going to be awkward...