Million Little Pieces

My sponsor lent me the book. I have it right here in my hot little hands. Gonna start reading it soon's I'm done with this other fluff book my boss gave me. I'm set for books for some time.
Everyone tells me I should write a book, and I want to... but... first things first, like... getting a room of my own. I was thinking of putting an ad on Craigslist for a room in a sober household... but you know, if my sister ran across that, she'd peel my skin off and hang it outside on the wall for passers-by to spit on. Well that may be an exaggeration... but not by a whole lot.
She is certain we'll be moving into a two bedroom. I'm not so sure. My sponsor and I both think it could be a bad idea. While at the video store with my sister today, it occurred to me that I simply don't like her. I thought maybe once I got sober that would change; I imagined that it was my drinking that made me intolerant.
Sober two months now, clear headed enough to be able to judge people's character, I find her extremely selfish and self-centered and her refusal to hear what I have to say instead of what she wants to hear me say drives me crazy.
She keeps getting upset at the program for "taking me away" , for putting me in "my own little world", for giving me friends that are not her.
Truth be told, I gave up giving a shit what she does, wants, needs, says.... I am in my own little world, yes, it's called meditation, peace, spirituality, it's called the Fellowship, it's called Pink Cloud... it goes by many names.
I have built a little fort around me and i don't intend to let drama in close enough to rattle me. She can scream all she wants, threaten to hit me, I just get calmer and withdraw further until it dawns on me to go to a meeting or call my sponsor.
Heard at the speaker meeting last night: "If a (wo)man wants to get sober, nothing can stand in his way." Or was it 'ain't nothing going to get in his way". At any rate,
I do NOT want to return to that living hell I was in, so I believe I'll stay sober the (**) way, and if that means I may have to live in a hostel or whatever, I'll be doing that.
When my sister is here I find myself restless, irritable and discontent. When she's gone and I have my big book or working on the steps or I have my sponsor on the phone.... when I'm at a meeting, or at a friend's house, or taking a walk, I feel GREAT.
I know I must pray for my sister, as well as pray for guidance on this issue...
Went over to my sponsor's house for the fish fry today. Worked first... it was hot today, and the air conditioning went out in the apartment last night and was not working too well at work either, so I've been hot today...
It was a slammin' Saturday, we were busy from the get-go. The cook was grousing, because he got no breaks today (the owner usually relieves him on weekends for his breaks but the owner is out of town at a golf tournament... which must eat at the cook because he can't afford to go golfing right now and it's his favorite thing in the world).
It's a hard kitchen to work in, TIGHT! You gotta have choreography to get past the three waitresses behind the counter and the cook.
After work, I came home to find a huge pile of dogshit on the stairs. Smelled great in here, let me tell you. I cleaned that up, took the dogs out, got a shower, and finally sister came home in time to make me wait while she got ready to go to the fish fry. i didn't want her to go.
But she'd been invited by my sponsor. It was ok... the gang was there. Sister got a chance to see me with my homies. Sister got a chance to see how popular I am with friends of my own. Sister said something about going to the movies with us; and I guess we'll allow her. But it's not where the real fun is had, the real fun is had at meetings and at informal gatherings like our women's meeting. The real fun is in the phone calls and the work we do side by side.... sister will likely never find out about the real fun.
Movies to us are a chance to relax and sit in an air conditioned room but really, truly, the fun is in the journey we take together daily.
Jane brought the most amazing watermelon salad... grooved on it. Jane and I are going to see 'the Bucket list' at her house tomorrow. the temptation to explain LOL cats and the Bucket Walrus is great and perhaps I'll get her to go online after the movie and I'll show it to her.
I have cramps from hell.. . and sister just watched The Golden Compass despite me telling her I'd seen it. (Granted I said "go ahead, I don't care", but I didn't expect to her do it)...no biggie. I really don't care. I got on my laptop and played idiotic games (can't type while she's watching a movie but i can play games that don't require too much mouse action) until the movie was over.
I saw that movie in Anchorage with Bren and the boys. Today things have been reminding me of Bren... at the movie store I remembered all the very funny energy drinks they sell at the Blockbuster in Anchorage... .and then I was in the grocery store buying body soap and saw the AXE soap... remembering that I bought some and the kids used it, loving the smell... Harrison really liked it.
I doubt if Thomas really dug it too much.
And I thought of Thomas and the leech on his ankle and how scared he was of it and how he vowed never to go in another pond in Alaska.
And then I remembered how the boys brought home a pond critter of some sort and we kept it alive and Bren freaked out about taking it out of its home environment and made the boys and I drive to a pond by a school to turn it loose. We walked into the woods and got eaten by mosquitoes and turned that thing loose.... walked through mud and brambles...
And it occurs to me today that Bren cares more for pond critters than her own girlfriend's welfare. She let me drive to the airport drunk ... she let me fall apart and cry and didn't even offer to help me, just let me go. Its ok, unlike pond critters, I can pray for her and send her good wishes despite it all.