New Year, New Cheer

Wow I woke up in a FUNK. I can't remember being that depressed upon awakening; with a headache to boot. If I had had a gun available I think I would have looked at it long and hard. Now that has got to be a chemical thing. It didn't last long...perhaps it was my dreams. I did dream about my computer game. A big mechanical monster was coming right at me and my (dead) brother; and I said "Look out the window! Twelve o'clock! Look now!) and yet no one made haste to get out of the monster's path.
The monster, I believe, is apathy, and I do want to get out of its path.
Today I went shopping determined to stay in the store a long time, buy everything I not only needed but wanted (I don't want much, but there are a few things I avoid buying due to cost, like the green drink with grass in it that I love) and why do I love it? Because it reminds me of my time with my dad in Alaska. The taste brings me joy.
So... I bought eighty bucks worth of stuff. French bread, fruit, squash, carrots: not one junk food item, although I did have Vanilla Wafers in my basket until I read the ingredients. They have high fructose corn syrup in them. ARGH! Is nothing sacred?
I got a notebook especially for beginning my novel. I realize that work would be made easier if I wrote paragraphs instead of playing zombieville on my iPod. It would distract me and also fill the idle time ... I have a few minutes here and there where it's not enough time to do anything significant but I want to be sitting down resting my feet yet not totally idle.
And I'm reading Mary Karr's "Lit". I told my sponsor about it and she bought it for me for Christmas. Mary Karr almost got killed in a car wreck due to drinking. And the book deals with her alcoholism and her going to AA although she doesn't mention AA per se, all the slogans and stuff are there. She doesn't say SPONSOR but she has one. For over fifteen years, the same one. I love the book. It made me want to write my story.
I have been analyzing why I don't write my book. I want to say pure lazy but I'm not lazy. Far from it. I fear not failure but success. What if my book is popular? Then I will have a lot of crap to deal with. My siblings and my mom and dad and everyone will want money from me right off the bat. When they look at me they will see an ATM card. I hate being from such a money grubbing family. Each and every one of them had support of some kind growing up: I had nothing but a crazy mom. I fight daily to shed the skin she knitted for me. She called on New Year's and started crying about how her second husband (My adoptive father) treated her. I wish mom was in therapy. That was over thirty years ago! Talk it out and let it go!
ugh.
AT any rate, I want to start writing.
For real and for earnest.
Last night I put on some music and started dancing. I'd feared I was gaining too much weight so I put it to the test: could I dance five songs and not collapse? And could I get through "Rock this Town" by the Stray Cats, dancing rockabilly, the whole song through? I could, and did. And my calves are not the least bit sore this day.
So the prognosis is not too bad. I'd like my pants to fit better but I'm not as out of shape as I feared. My main worry now is to bolt that bookcase to the wall. IF I dance just the right way in the right place on the living room floor, the bookcase bounces away from the wall at the top in such a frightening manner that I had to go dance in my roommate's room. I need to L brace that thing for sure.
And I'm dissapointed in Grooveshark: their copy of "Living on the Ceiling", possibly the BEST dance tune ever, is totally messed up. I need to write them.
AT any rate my new year is shaping up. Getting ready for classes and so happy it's not my first semester. Got my notebooks cleaned out, pencils ready, looking for a netbook to buy because I gave my laptop to my sister for xmas.
I could not really afford to do that but the damn thing brings back too many memories. I can see Bren walking into the T building at Prov, bringing the box to me, and me opening it in such a happy stupor. I was so happy that night, with my new laptop, and my lovely girlfriend, and the snow, and my job.
Why did I have to blow it all by drinking?
Because it wasn't such a lovely girlfriend after all. And I needed a way out. So I chose my usual option.
Anyhow, it's not so bad a year so far.