All over the map

Man it's been intense with this woman. The other day we got into a little e-mail flirtation that was just silly mostly but kind of role-playing, and we both got a little bit turned on by it. It started when I realized I had no idea what kind of accoutrements she has on her person, like, what sort of belt, shoes, socks, wallet, that kind of thing. I wanted to know. So I told her to take all those things off, including jeans, and backpack, and put them all in a pile and take a photo for me and send it.
She did! She took off her jeans and shoes and took out her wallet and put it all on a chair. She slung her 'man bag' over the chair too. There too were her sunglasses: but no socks. Instead, there sat a writing pen.
Well, looking at her belongings in a pile got me kind of horny (I've got it bad for her, and she me: looking at her jeans even without her in them is enough to make me crazy!) but then I noticed ... no socks. I e-mailed "But where are the socks? I give you a command and you only give me 90% compliance? " (which cracked me up)...
Well. She sent me a photo of her with the sock on her hand touching her chin. For some reason she hates the photo but it made me so weak in the knees, sent chivers and shills all up and down my spine. I cannot believe it's even possible I might be touching that face soon... such a face this one has, makes me want to cry just looking at her picture. Like it was made just for me.
The photo is one that was just for me. It was taken because of a fun e-mail exchange that got a little bit naughty but only in our minds... the photo exemplifies how we interact.
I told her recently that I was like one of those electrical sub-stations where you can hear the wires humming and the transformers transforming. You know the palpable feel of electricity in the air around those things, that's me, when I look at her photo. Today while at school I got a photo from her, just a picture of an electrical substation ...
and I knew what she meant by it immediately.
Yesterday I was so down. So very down; ennui of the highest (lowest?) order. I was glancing at the shotgun wondering how hard it would be to pull the trigger and not fuck things up.
I was lonely and sad and stuck and for some reason when I called her she had nothing much to say; and we just stayed on the phone talking about nonsense or what we were looking at on the internet.
It made me feel worse that we had no magic like we'd have the previous day. But I sat in my misery and knew that the electricity would come back and that when it did, it would be made to seem even more vibrant due to the doldrums I was in at the time...
And sure enough the next morning I took a shower and had a revelation. Why am I in this horrid mess, this old house that it costs me way too much to heat and even then I'm freezing through the winter...
Why am I staying here where my original intention was to help my mom but she doesn't want my help because I'm not a man. I wanted to fix things up but I can't afford to do what needs to be done. I wanted to get a dog but I can't have a dog. I drive 25 miles a day and I just paid 250 bucks for a starter... what if the car breaks down...
No bus , no public transport.
It's so cold in the winter and so windy all the time... I decided in the shower to just change majors and move to Portland by the end of this school year. December that is. soon as I made that decision I felt a lot better...