Friday, May 20, 2011

well it had to happen.

Yeah, she texted me tonight saying she was drinking beer. Now, I don't own her, by any stretch of the imagination, and she's been hinting that she might drink one day, I just didn't know it would be today.
My only worry about her drinking is that she had told me she wanted to stop entirely, forever. She went to AA even. But of course, the week was long and the work was hard and of course there is me the g/f wanting to know how she is every five minutes (well, I guess that is ok most of the time, but not when she's so busy... I mean, sometimes it's her who is needy, sometimes it is me. but we're always up each others' ass, except once in a while, I guess it gets to be too intense for her, despite her saying it is not.)
I am getting to know her well enough to know that when she sleeps not enough, she gets a bit unstable. And I knew all this, and I plunged in anyway, and today when she texted me that she was drinking, I did not react well, but instead,
sort of freaked a bit. I cried, I cajoled with her to call me, not to ignore me, and when she did call, she was defensive,
and saying things like "I don't want to feel guilty", and
"It's non of your concern", and...
things like that, hurtful things, to where I said (*why do I try to talk to people when they are drinking?*) "Who are you talking to here? Do you know who you are talking to? It's me!"
Dumb. I reacted badly. I made her feel shitty. I hate myself for it. I need to go to Al-Anon for a while I guess.
I've written her a couple of e-mails apologizing (I do not own her, it's really NOT my business.) and I hope I hear back from her tonight, drunk or not. I worry because she has admitted to driving drunk in the near past; I'd fucking die if anything happened to her this close to my moving out there.
but she also said "You are moving to Portland to be with me, you have to find out I'm not perfect".
Ok, sounds like she is making sure I know she's not going to give up drinking, and that is something I have to deal with. She's put her foot down and made sure I know she will pick drinking over me sometimes. I get the message loud and clear and I have to decide how much I am wiling to take...
it's all relative. AS long as we communicate, as long as we keep talking.

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